Break-ups

Envisioning your Ideal Relationship and Life

Posted on March 6, 2011. Filed under: Break-ups, Dating, Marriage, Men, Relationship, Women | Tags: , , , , |

A vision is a picture from your soul and heart that guides you down the path in life and in love that you most desire. The more clear and concise we are the more attuned we are with what we want, feel and see ourselves doing in our relationships, careers and life circumstances, the more likely your dreams will manifest into reality.

If you are single, you may want to write a letter to your future mate and be as descriptive as possible as to the type of man or woman you want as your partner. If you are in partnership, write a letter about the qualities and characteristics you most admire in your mate and the qualities that you offer to the relationship. Then describe how you as a couple would move through those areas of challenge in a new way (please use the present tense as though it is already a reality today). Also shed light on the areas in which you would like to show up differently in the relationship and then describe how you envision yourself to be in the future.

Be creative and leave out any judgments towards self and your partner. Trust your vision. When the pathways seems dark, learn to be comfortable with these glimpses of light that guide you towards the vision for your relationship and your life. Sometimes these dark areas can be challenging to maneuver and the support and guidance from a professional may be necessary. If you need additional help please visit http://www.TruePotentialCounseling.com today.

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HALT in the Name of LOVE

Posted on January 4, 2011. Filed under: Break-ups, Dating, Health, Love, Relationship | Tags: , , , , , |

Have you every gotten into a conflict with your partner and couldn’t resolve it overnight?

Before engaging in a conversation with your partner that could stir up emotions or become tense, some simple questions to ask yourself beforehand to know if it is the right time to do so are as follows:  Am I or my partner (H)UNGRY?  (A)NGRY?  (L)ONELY? or    (T)IRED?

If so you or your partner are experiencing any of these, you are at a higher risk of vulnerability and stress, and there is a greater likelihood that your well intended conversation will turn into an unending rollercoaster ride of doom and gloom.  If you are experiencing any of the HALT symptoms…HALT in the name of LOVE.

Some of the following skills and positive ways to manage anger will help you get back on track in your relationship, so you can calm down, think clearly and behave in a way you don’t regret later.

Reduce Vulnerability– Some vulnerability factors are if you are ill, stressed out, not eating well, using substances, not sleeping well, not getting enough exercise or feel incompetent and out of control.  It is important to resolve these problem areas so you know how to manage anger and are less likely to get fired up as easily.

Become Mindful: Awareness is the first step to change.  Begin to observe yourself and your behavior as though you were a neutral bystander.  One way to know how to manage anger is by using your breath to slow things down so you can begin being more conscious of what you say and what you do in your interactions with others, especially your partner.

Slow Down Impulsive Reactions:  Just unconsciously or automatically reacting is going to make matters worse.  Have you ever been at an intersection and saw someone who wanted to make a left hand turn, but you decided to just speed through the light?  Just like in your relationship to avoid a collision you both need to slow down rather than trying to dominate the road.

Underline Emotions:  Often times under your anger are softer feelings like hurt, powerlessness, shame, fear, sadness or inadequacy.  Want to know how to deal with anger effectively?  One way is by getting in touch with these deeper emotions can be difficult at first but sharing those instead with your partner will allow your partner to really understand you and address your needs more readily.

Problem Solving:  Instead of staying stuck in just blaming, yelling, criticizing or avoiding, detaching and withdrawing, start working as a team to brainstorming solutions to the problem head on.

Seek to Understand: Your relationship is not just a one sided tango dance.  If you are just focusing on yourself then you are really dancing alone.  Since there are two of you in this relationship dance, each with your own point of reference, past experiences, needs, and feelings it is important that you are not only sharing, but also receptive to your partner’s point of view.

Now I’d love to hear from you.  How do you regulate your emotions?  What ways to managed anger do you use? Leave a comment below about how you manage anger, because I want to know what you are thinking.

And if you liked this video, give it a thumbs up and share it with your friends.  And also make sure you are subscribed to my channel, so you don’t miss any upcoming True Potential episodes.

You’ll also want to head over to TruePotentialCounseling.com to get additional resources and relationship tips to help you experience more harmony, connection and love in your relationship.

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Resolving Conflict in a Couple

Posted on December 20, 2010. Filed under: Break-ups, Communication, Health, Love, Marriage, Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

Considering each human being has their own schema, value system, beliefs, perceptions, behaviors, emotions, and triggers it can sometimes make a relationship feel like an emotional land mine multiplied by two. 

How can these conflicts in romantic or marital relationships be resolved reasonably if we can’t instantaneously and rationally understand why we are triggered?  How can we even begin to resolve the conflict if we can’t authentically connect with or articulate to our partner our primary emotions?  Our primary emotion is are the authentic and vulnerable feelings when we are experiencing emotional or physical pain.  These emotions include: hurt, sadness, shame, fear and loneliness.  Typically when we are in an activated state we automatically resort to our secondary emotion as a form of self-preservation.  Our secondary emotions include: anger, frustration, jealousy, irritability, or distaste.  Some common behaviors include: intellectualizing, avoiding, rationalizing, justifying, defending, explaining, judging, critiquing, criticizing, blaming or finding fault in our partner.  As a result the couple may spiral into a familiar and negative pattern of communication like the blame game, a demon dialogue, or withdrawal.  In the moment this seems like the safer and easier option; however, this form of “safety” comes at a great cost…the love, security and connection you desperately long to have with your partner. 

When couple’s come to that fork in the road, they are deciding to either break-up or seek help and alleviate the cycle of pain and hurt in the relationship.  Fortunately, Emotionally Focused Therapy is an effective approach that not only assists couples in creating a healthy routine in their communication patterns, but also promotes awareness, authentic communication and a deeper connection within the relationship.  For more information on couple’s therapy and resources please visit www.TruePotentialCounseling.com. Photo provided by http://www.kellyandersonphotography.com/

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Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone

Posted on April 6, 2010. Filed under: Break-ups, Dating, Lifestyle, Men, Women | Tags: , , , , , , , , , |

As we age we may recognize our tendencies to get stuck in automatic habits and preferences simply because they are familiar and it is what we have always done in the past.  In order to keep our inner spirit alive and pliable, I encourage you to try something new everyday that challenges you to step out of the mundane routine of your life.  Take a leap into the unknown today, whether is it trying a different meal, visiting a new country, going on an unplanned adventure, trying on an edgy outfit, or saying hello to the person in front of you in the supermarket line.  We may find the more we stretch ourselves the  easier it will be for us to adapt to life changes and external circumstances that are beyond our control.  The more aware and willing we are to expand the more flexible and accepting we will become with ourselves and those around us.  When we were child we naturally  had an open and receptive attitude to the unknown and ironically were carefree and joyous; however, as we age we become more constrained by our beliefs and perceptions of ourselves, others, and situations which limit our scope.  By shifting back to our natural essence and style of living the world once again becomes uncharted territory that can be discovered with clear and fresh eyes.   Today I encourage you to reconnect with your innocence and your inner child wisdom to see the world from an open and receptive point of view.  Enjoy a whole new world!

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Taking a Leap of Faith

Posted on November 10, 2009. Filed under: Break-ups, Dating, Lifestyle, Men, Women | Tags: , , , , , , , |

Often times our soul and heart guide us in the right direction if we listen to the quiet voice within and take a leap of faith.  Some of us resist the urge to jump because we are paralyzed by the gap between our current circumstances and the life of their dreams.  While others of us take a leap of faith into the unknown, letting go of self-protective instincts certain that stepping outside the comfort zone will allow them to enter into a new phase of their life.  Choosing to go with the flow of the universe may feel like a destined fall, yet it may turn into a discovery of inner trust, an ability to fly across the cliff of ambiguity, and a belief that we will land safely on the other side.  Sometimes if your mind and heart proceed with caution, building a bridge of knowledge may make the gap between here and there closer.  In taking a courageous leap of faith it can lead us to an uncharted territory, enabling us to build a new and more adventurous life.  In developing inner trust, listening to the voice of wisdom within and having the courage to jump we can discover that we can accomplish almost anything we set out to do.

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